Control Issues That Cause Marriage Problems

Have you ever been irritated because your spouse does things differently than you do? Do you get upset if he or she has different opinions and makes different choices than you would? If so, you have bumped up against some of your own personal control issues and triggers in your marriage. Here are three important points to consider:

1. Fear underlies control issues.

Control issues cause problems in many marriages. The feelings you experience at those times can be very intense and may include rage at the other person. Most people feel more secure when others around them mirror their opinions, beliefs, and choices. Your safety needs and fears contribute to your wanting others to be just like you. The old adage, "There is safety in numbers," refers to this primitive fear of standing alone.

Also, many people feel more in control when they can predict the behavior of others and when others meet their expectations. Then they don't have to experience the discomfort of growing, changing, or stretching themselves. Instead, they can pretend that their world is logical, orderly, predictable, and safe.

2. Thinking your spouse should be just like you harms your marriage.

Your control issues are also triggered by viewing your spouse as an extension of yourself. This perception can result in trying to dictate which clothes your spouse wears, how she wears her hair, who she is friends with, what political views she holds, and what she can or cannot do. While your spouse may initially make some changes trying to keep the peace, you are creating a parent-child dynamic in your relationship that will eventually foster rebellion and resentment.

3. Using insults and name calling are attempts to regain control.

While nothing sinister is involved in many control issues in relationships, pathological behavior can be triggered in some instances. For example, a partner who is angry that the spouse did not follow his dictates could become physically and emotionally abusive. The partner may think he has the right to "punish" the other person. Name calling and derogatory put-downs, such as "What a stupid thing to do," are often used to re-establish control over the other person.

It's easy to point a finger at your spouse and to state that he or she needs to change. It's hard to face your own unresolved issues head-on and take responsibility for how you need to change. As you become more aware of control issues in your marriage, the starting place for change is always with yourself and your response to what is happening.

Nancy J. Wasson, Ph.D., is co-author of Keep Your Marriage: What to Do When Your Spouse Says "I don't love you anymore!" This is available as an e-book at http://www.KeepYourMarriage.com ,where you can also sign up for the free Keep Your Marriage Internet Magazine. Nancy can be contacted at Nancy@KeepYourMarriage.com.

---

A Call for International Marriage Laws

I recently watched a CNN programme which centred on "kidnapped... Read More

6 Ways to Save Money on Wedding Invitations

Inviting your possible guests on your wedding day can be... Read More

Choosing the Perfect Wedding Gown

Selecting a wedding gown is possibly one of the most... Read More

Marriage and the Election

Dear Friends of Marriage,There is a lot of talk on... Read More

Faulty Expectations: 4 Essential Don?ts

The more realistic you are as you prepare for marriage,... Read More

The Perfect String Quartet Repertoire for Your Wedding

Here follows suggestions and tips that will help you determine... Read More

Women Sufferings and Infidelity

Her dreams of marriage and collected marriage values disintegrate when... Read More

Get Swept Away on Your Wedding Day: Rent a Sailboat or Yacht!

For a day you'll never forget on that special occasion,... Read More

Unique Wedding Reception Entertainment

The typical wedding reception entertainment scheme of pretty flowers and... Read More

The Wide Range of Maui Wedding Ceremonies

Whatever your religious affiliation, or whatever you'd like to experience,... Read More

What Can We Learn From the ?Runaway Bride? Story?

Have you heard enough about the "Runaway Bride" yet? Well,... Read More

Making a Budget For Your Wedding

Just the thought of all the expenses that come with... Read More

Marriage Counseling: How to Reduce Hurt Feelings When You and Your Spouse Disagree

One of the biggest on-going problems for couples is how... Read More

Wedding Planning: Tips for Choosing Online Wedding Vendors

If you're looking to the internet for help with your... Read More

Trust in Marriage

Trust is the basis of all human relationships. Trust can... Read More

Choosing The Right Music For Your Wedding

OverviewI suppose a typical Christian wedding in the UK can... Read More

Las Vegas Helicopter Weddings

If you've always dreamed of flying in a helicopter, Las... Read More

Wedding Anniversary Symbols

Most people are aware that significant wedding anniversaries such as... Read More

Wedding Planning Tips and Tricks

Planning a wedding is an exciting thing, and can be... Read More

Who Should Get A Gift At Your Wedding?

Planning a wedding is hard enough without having to think... Read More

Choosing Your Wedding Rings

One of the most important steps in planning your wedding,... Read More

Planning a Special Wedding Shower

The wedding shower is a traditional party of the marriage... Read More

How to Have a Sizzler of a Honeymoon! Article No. 10

What about this business of food for lovers? Is it... Read More

How to Nurture Intimacy When Youre in a Long-Distance Marriage

The biggest problem long-distance spouses often face is how to... Read More

Is Eloping For You?

Believe it or not, there is etiquette on how to... Read More