Marriage Counseling: What to Do When a Spouse Flirts Too Much

When Alicia first met Tim, she found him outgoing, charming, and easy to talk to. She thought he was very witty and funny, always the life of the party with everyone gathered around him. Yes, he flirted a lot, but while he was talking, he'd turn to wink at her, take her hand, or put his arm around her shoulder as he continued talking.

But sometime in the two years following their marriage, Alicia started feeling differently about Tim's extraverted side. It seemed to her that he was flirting too much and too blatantly while she sat on the sidelines, feeling left out. Most of the time, Tim didn't even introduce Alicia as his wife. If Alicia said anything to Tim about her feelngs, he told her that she was over-reacting. As she became increasingly more hurt, resentful, and withdrawn, the emotional climate in the marrige cooled considerably, and the marriage became less satisfying for both of them. Neither one knew what to do.

Flirting on the part of a spouse causes marriage problems for numerous couples. And it can at times be difficult to distinguish between a spouse with an extraverted personality who just naturally likes to joke and kid around versus the partner who is continually "on the make."

Flirting behavior has varying causes. If you have known your partner for a long time and have never had any reason to believe he or she has cheated on you, then you are probably married to an extravert who has a flirty personality. This can still be annoying and frustrating, but at least you basically know what you're dealing with.

Spouses can also engage in flirting to meet their own emotional needs such as feeling liked, being popular, or being thought of as funny, entertaining, attractive, or sexy. Excessive flirting can be a sign of someone who is trying too hard to attract and keep attention focused on himself or herself because they are needy emotionally.

Flirting can also be a passive-aggressive way of getting even with a partner. The spouse may have felt rejected sexually and emotionally, so the flirting can be a message to the partner to shape up or risk losing the marriage. It can also be an attempt to get the spouse's attention, hoping to make him or her jealous and bring about an increase in the marital passion.

And, of course, consistent excessive flirting can be a sign of someone with a sexual addiction who is constantly on the prowl looking for his or her next sexual contact and conquest. A spouse in this category needs professional help from an addictions counselor, but the help won't be effective unless the person wants to be helped.

So what can you do about your spouse's flirtatious ways? one of the steps you can take is to write a letter outlining your feelings. In the case of Alicia and Tim mentioned in the opening paragraphs, Alicia could tell Tim how much the fact that he doesn't introduce her to others as his wife hurts her feelings. She could ask for him to include her in the conversations, to put his arm around her, to hold her hand, or to turn and smile at her occasionally. That way she is telling him some things he could do to lessen her anxiety and distress.

Another thing Alicia could do is to become more assertive about speaking up, becoming a part of the conversation when Tim is flirting, and letting people know that she's Tim's wife. If Tim says, "This is Alicia" when introducing her, Alicia could say, "Nice to meet you. I'm Tim's wife." Note that I'm not advocating that Alicia follow Tim around or try to "catch" him in flirting behavior-that's a recipe for disaster. But I am suggesting that when she is already present, she can casually drop into conversation that she and Tim are married, such as "It's fun to have such a witty husband! Tim has always been able to make me laugh."

Don't get into an argument about whether you are over-reacting to your spouse's flirting. Say upfront that you realize the two of you have differing perceptions and you're not accusing him of doing anything wrong. You just know that if you don't share your feelings and feel heard you may have resentments and hurt feelings that build up and eventually harm the marriage. You want to feel that your spouse has really listened to your concerns, that your spouse cares about your feelings, and that your spouse is willing to try some new behaviors that will provide you the reassurance you need.

You could also suggest that the two of you see a marriage counselor if the letter writing and talking don't accomplish what you want. If your spouse is still convinced that the only thing that needs to change is for you to be more accepting of the flirting behavior, then marriage counseling could help. When suggesting counseling, you might need to focus on wanting to get advice from the counselor to help you make the changes you need to. If you focus on wanting to get your spouse to a counselor so he or she will change, your attempts will probably fall flat.

The bottom line is that spouses who love each other and are in a healthy marriage will want to listen to their partner, take their feelings into consideration, and take steps to improve communication and intimacy. Showing consistent disrespect and disregard for a partner's feelings and perceptions indicates there are serious marriage problems lurking beneath the excessive flirting behavior-and it's time to seek professional help.

Nancy J. Wasson, Ph.D., is co-author of the book Keep Your Marriage: What to Do When Your Spouse Says "I don't love you anymore!" This is available at http://www.KeepYourMarriage.com, where you can also sign up for the free weekly Keep Your Marriage Internet Magazine to get ideas and support for improving your marriage.

---

Why Hire A Wedding Designer?

As couples begin thinking about their wedding, they are often... Read More

Selecting the Perfect Wedding Gift for the Bride and Groom

One of the most memorable days in our lives is... Read More

Wedding Planning -- Staying Within Your Wedding Budget

Planning and organizing a wedding budget can greatly reduce the... Read More

A Wedding Shower Checklist

Bridal showers are one of many pre-wedding parties and are... Read More

How To Choose Your Wedding Cake

One of my favorite parts about the wedding, is the... Read More

Are American Women Driving Their Men Away?

Recently, I stumbled across something on the internet. A particular... Read More

Wedding Flowers -- Determining What You Need

Wedding flowers make up a large part of the wedding... Read More

The ?EX? Factor: Why Men and Women Over 50 Don?t Remarry!

Thinking about remarrying? Consider these reasons why others have chosen... Read More

The Perfect String Quartet Repertoire for Your Wedding

Here follows suggestions and tips that will help you determine... Read More

Las Vegas Helicopter Weddings

If you've always dreamed of flying in a helicopter, Las... Read More

An Ethical Alternative to the Conspicuous Excess of the Average Wedding

Many happy couples are turning their backs on the traditional... Read More

Choosing the Perfect Wedding Gown

Selecting a wedding gown is possibly one of the most... Read More

Engagement Rings & Celebrities

Whether we like it or not current trends in engagement... Read More

Indian Astrology and Marriages

Astrology is considered to be the oldest of all sciences,... Read More

Bridal Beauty Tips For Your Special Day

It's your day! The most special day of your life,... Read More

Cheap Wedding Invitations

Every couple has different priorities when it comes to budgeting... Read More

Have a Garden Theme Dream Wedding

You've found the perfect venue: old oaks, a stone wall,... Read More

Doing Things Your Own Way

No one said that you had to follow the rule... Read More

How to Find, Select, and Afford a Wedding Photographer

You are engaged and one of the most important days... Read More

The Perfect Wedding Budget

Creating a wedding budget is one of the first things... Read More

How to Write a Love Letter

Let's talk about writing love letters.Not candy coated pap. Not... Read More

Shopping For Elegant Mother Of The Bride Dresses

There are many places to shop for elegant mother of... Read More

Creative Wedding Cards

You invitation is a reflection on the type of wedding... Read More

Marriage: Where is the Fairy Tale?

"Presently, 40% of all first marriages in this country end... Read More

Beyond Her Grasp

I am a woman, 42, who three years ago married... Read More