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10 Villains That Need a Criminal Defense Lawyer Available 24/7

Posted in Funny, Industry Hacks and tagged

The Joker Needs A 24/7 Criminal Lawyer

Villains are a staple of any great cinematic experience. They go against the norm in every way possible, and leave you hanging on the edge of your seat waiting to see what they’ll do next. But what happens behind the scenes when the hero eventually catches up with them?

  1. They get fingerprinted
  2. They get a mug shot
  3. They get their obligatory phone call

If you’re a criminal defense lawyer, you need to be available 24/7 for that phone call.  Unless you’re way into coffee, for 24/7 availability, criminal lawyers should hire an answering service to help field those late night SOS calls.

We’ve compiled this list of our favorite villains who would totally blow up (no pun intended) any criminal defense lawyers phone at all hours of the day. If any of the following were your clients, you wouldn’t be able to run your practice without an answering service. Plus, we’d hate to see any of these criminals not be able to reach you and get locked up – well, most of them at least.

The Joker

Accused of: Being a general menace to society.

What riles up the Joker more than running out of green hair dye? Batman. The Joker’s always running amok in Gotham in an attempt to lure Batman out of the bat cave, so that he can clip his wings for good. His constant crime wave in Gotham makes him a client that’s definitely going to be calling at 3:am like: ‘I’m in jail, but I’m 99.9% sure Batman didn’t have a warrant. Can you help?’

Patrick Bateman

Accused of: Being a psycho.

It’s always the ones you least suspect, right? On the outside, Patrick Bateman seems like your typical Wall Street investor that loves his looks and loves comparing business cards. However, he’s got a killer secret and most definitely has his criminal lawyer on speed dial.

Dr. Evil

Accused of: Trying to destroy the world.

Dr. Evil is always coming up with new and innovative plans to destroy the world. Or at least 3 plans. Is he successful? No. Does he always get caught? Honestely, I can’t remember. But what I do know is that he’s always holding the world for ransom and needs a legal team on standby for when Austin Powers eventually catches up with him.

Joffrey Baratheon

Accused of: Being the worst king. Literally. Ever.

If it weren’t for his untimely death (spoiler alert), Joffrey Baratheon’s hoarde of ravens would be delivering messages on the daily to his lawyer.  This guy is committing crimes regularly against, well, everybody. He wasn’t even the rightful king!

Annie Wilkes

Accused of: Being a stage 5 clinger.

Have you ever loved a story so much that you became obsessed? Probably not like ol’ Annie Wilkes. After she finds out her favorite author has been in an accident (because she’s stalking him), she nurses him back to health (and ties him to his bed) while simultaneously getting him addicted to drugs (and staring at him). She gets him under her control and forces him to continue writing his latest book, while torturing him along the way. This chick needs a lawyer ASAP.

Dexter

Accused of: Killing other serial killers.

Alright so Dexter probably isn’t the worst criminal, considering that he rids the world of other serial killers. Even though his scales are balanced, killing is bad any way you spin it – so of course he deserves a spot on our list! When that DNA trail leads back to Dexter, you better hope you’re there to answer his call.

Nucky Thompson

Accused of: Being a corrupt politician.

As a political figure partaking in the selling and distribution of alcohol during prohibition, Nucky is an OG multi-tasker and in serious need of a criminal defense lawyer. How else is he going to uphold his political standing if he’s in jail?

Dr. Brenner (Papa)

Accused of: Performing scientific experiments on kids.

Where do we even start with this guy? Scientific experiments on kids. Check. Create a portal to a parallel universe which released a giant man-eating monster on the town of Hawkins, Indiana. Check. Dr. Brenner would need an all-star legal team to keep him out of the slammer. Where is he, anyway?

Norman Bates

Accused of: Being a momma’s boy.

Poor Norman. Is it a crime to love your mother? No, but storing her lifeless body, dressing up as her and murdering under her disguise definitely is. Get this guy a lawyer! (And maybe also a shrink).

Lord Voldemort

Accused of: Performing dark magic.

Lord Voldemort proves that hair free is not care free. “He who should not be named” is Harry Potter’s arch nemesis. After killing Harry’s parents when he was just a baby, and unsuccessfully trying to kill Harry at the same time, he inadvertently gave Harry the greatest power – the power to defeat the Dark Lord. For all the crimes he committed against Hogwarts, and all the junk he did when making those horcruxes, this guy is going to need all the legal magic in the world to keep him from getting locked up.

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